At times it may be difficult to do the right thing. So people find it easier to lie.
I don’t tolerate nonsense. Period.

Just Friends (The Situationship)

Enough in common to like, too much uncommon to date.
So we tinted the lines between like, love, and hate.
See sometimes we push, but, most times we pull.
No longer aware if we’re lovers or fools.
We’ll both admit we slipped but we’re too afraid to fall.
So we gave each other enough but never gave it our all.
I, like you. And you like me.
But I’m not like you, and you’re not like me.
They say that opposites attract, well, they also attack.
So some days we’re close, others we’re unattached
we, break and we mend on a regular basis.
We’re too far to go backwards, too afraid to move forward
So we stay in stasis, too afraid to give our hearts
so we reserve each other’s spaces.
You see he could be my king, I could be his queen
but, we just remain Aces.
We’re either a friendship that went too far or not far enough.
Heart’s trapped in limbo, hopeful, but not sure if we should trust
so, some days we’re single, other days we’re us.
Some days we love, other days we lust.
Some days we let go, other days we cuff.
So much you wanna say but afraid to discuss.
So, we bid our good-byes but always call each other’s bluffs.
And we try retreating back to friends but can never adjust.
So we just, continue doing whatever this is, it’s clear,
We’re not sure what we are; know where we are going.
And it appears we prefer it that way because we find freedom in not knowing.
And we’re often shaken up about breaking up but we’re not even together…
Or maybe we are and feel like remaining title-less is better.
Because the moment we try to put a name to whatever this is, it starts to crumble.
So we continue to tell ourselves we’re just friends.

Momentarily trapped where lovers begin and confusion ends we, slipped.
But it was never in our intentions to fall.
So do we walk away or continue to crawl, back to each other?
Because the thought of us with any one other
always seems to reel one of us back in.
Won’t admit it’s been all or nothing, so we’re to find
our way back to just friends, and we know…
We’re renting space in each other’s hearts but we both refuse to be evicted.
So this tug-of-war of our jurisdictions ad fall in to our comfort zone.
Our current location and status are often unknown,
and it’s hard to move on because, we feel uncomfortable with others because
over a period of time we built our comfort in each other.
So, even in your absence your presence is still felt.
So they don’t have to see your face or know your name, but they know that you’re there.
And I can try to deny my feelings as much as I want, but even a blind man can see that I care.
You know, the irony of being the one breaking my heart, I’m making repairs…
Because you’re in like, I’m in love. And I just wished my feelings were shared.

You know, I often wished our red flags turned in to green lights.
And that you weren’t so effected by your past so you and I can see right.
And I wish “like” can turn in to “love” so that my hurt won’t turn into anger,
because we were once connected at the heart. Now, just familiar strangers.
We couldn’t give life to love, but we did manage to put death to friends.
And no matter how we try to rewrite the story, I already know how it would end. We knew better.
But still follow the shadow of our hearts.
Now we’re left picking up the pieces of a love we never could start.
I liked you, and you liked me.
But I was like you, and you weren’t like me.
So we admit we slipped, but we were too afraid to fall.
And we gave each other enough, but we never gave it our all.

Elements of Poetic Love Making

Looking… For the perfect tone.
Trying to match the move with the imagery you painted
on the canvas in your head.
That perfect brink… To allow you to take in what you heard
and what you saw… Pause.
Wanting… For this to run on without punctuation,
have your body speak to me with a mind of intimate personification.
Breaking bodily boundaries through literation.
Rhythmical rolls of your tongue into my lips.
Splash… Dive into these walls that’ll drive you crazy
from the warmth, drowning.
Caressing… That arch in my back, causing my legs to quiver,
back and forth 14 times,
With the romance of Shakespearian rhymes,
giving me goosebumps all over my body like “R.L. Stine.”
Living in a site map because we go together like latitude lines.
Feeling… That we should never limit ourselves to Haikus
because we make love with no rules, and you,
stroke away my abstinence so well,
I wanna smuggle your dic-tion over boarders like mules.
I will break down these barriers of the margins,
so you can come through with your new sleuth like Tarzan,
metaphorical love-making through poetry.
So as you hold this paper, close your eyes
and imagine yourself groping me, stroking me,
in your sweet ballads, exotic Haikus with repetitive stances.
I, am your muse.

I always stick around longer than I should. I fall for this every single time and I end up getting burned just as much. I fall for you type and it’s time to stop. I deserve better and I know I can do better, but I remain riding and DYING for you like the true MVP that I am. There are many instances where I could have left you dry, and honestly I no longer understand why I am with you. I’ve become numb and I guess I’m just afraid to be alone. You’ve just been the perfect lame excuse of being with someone…and I hate how low I’ve set my standards. You have no idea how fucked up I truly am and the amount of stress you put me through.

I can’t even say it’s love. It’s more of just the temporary lust that we share… and we don’t even do that shit in the bedroom. Our relationship no longer has meaning… and that’s the most fucked up part about this whole situation. You are a poor excuse of a man, and I wish I never got sucked in to being with you. But I was broken and lonely and you’ve filled that space for me.

But now I’m having to deal with how sorry of a man you really are. I’m more harsh towards you than I am sweet with you…and no matter how much I try to bring that flame back, it just won’t happen. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore and I hate this about myself.

I don’t understand why I can’t just leave and I know I should. I guess I’m just hoping to be swept off my feet. It’s sad, but I don’t even care if I cheat on you. It’s that bad. It’s so bad that I don’t give a shit if I’m dragging you down! And I don’t care about that fact that I simply do not care…..

Fuck you and everything you’ve done to make me this person.

Daylight Savings was last weekend. Since then, my mental clock has been out of sorts. I’ve been having difficulty sleeping this past week, and I’m just now feeling my body crash. It’s been impossible to sleep have a decent amount of sleep… I find myself crashing between at least 3-4am. And today, I wasn’t able to sleep until 4-5am this morning, knowing that I have a full work-load. I cannot.

And now? Having 2 nanny families just increased to 2 more. The holidays are creeping its way in, and it crucial that I help my parents make Christmas happen again this year. My grandmother is no longer able to do the things she used to and it’s been my mom, auntie, my cousin and myself trying to make the Christmas spirit alive.

People looking into my Nanny box from the outside would probably think I’m crazy for carrying on this much weight in my career. But when you love what you do, there is no baggage. I do it for all the children in the world. And that’s my only mission. To serve others.

P.S. I’m so happy to get a decent amount of sleep in since it’s FINALLY my day off tomorrow! But with the life of a Nanny, what the HELL is sleep?! Lol -_-

I laugh every time I catch myself having to doubt my resilience. I forget and I need to remind myself that I’ve been here before; it’ll pass.

Thanks and praise be to my mother for transmitting her illness to me, I have been sick since Friday, and her being sick all week last week. As a nanny, my job is very demanding, and it is almost impossible for us to call in sick when we aren’t healthy enough. As a nanny I’m forced to take a step back and wonder what our parent bosses are doing with their spare time, when they should be looking for a set of back-up nannies in scenarios like this! If I wasn’t thinking about the children and more about the money, I wouldn’t mind coming in and transmit my illness to your children just to add more hours for a lovely paycheck.

My job is to provide a healthy and safe environment for your children while you are at work. My job isn’t to be your Secretary. I can only do so much and we need help, too. But that’s none of my business, so let me continue on sipping my tea.

There’s been an interesting turn of events within the past couple of days. I applied for a Preschool Assistant position and a full-time nanny position this weekend. And just yesterday I received an e-mail from an aunt of mine who states that her God-daughter is looking for a live-in nanny in Hawaii… I know, I can’t wrap my head around it either. Fast forward – I receive an e-mail back from the teacher for the Assistant position and locked in an interview.

There’s so many golden opportunities and I’m just hoping that with whatever I decide, it will be what the universe wills for me. But…. Doesn’t Hawaii sound wonderful?! I’m excited.

Keeping my fingers crossed 🙂

Most families don’t hire a nanny like those portrayed in either Mary Poppins or The Hand That Rocks The Cradle. They hire a woman who appears in the morning to run the household as best as she can while they are away. It is the cumulative effect of spending all day, every day with another person’s child that is so compelling. It is what happens when parents hire strangers to be second mothers, paid by the hour to love, that is so important. When I became a nanny, I didn’t know that I would be spending my free hours at home running scenes from my time with the twins through my mind. Did I let the children watch too much television? Should I have sent them to bed at nine as I was told or let them stay up later? Did the children like me or had they simply been trained to put on a happy face for the help? I was in much deeper than I had planned to be when I took the job. The children were becoming part of the fabric of my life.

For many nannies, one of the hardest parts of the job is the sense of intimacy they feel from participating in a family’s most personal moments, while remaining aware that they do not truly belong. Even beneath the best in-home childcare situations there lies the fundamental fact that one person is being paid to take care of another person’s child for the majority of that child’s waking hours. Parents who trust and respect their nannies can still feel jealous, nervous, and guilt-ridden. Nannies who gain their employers’ respect can still be resentful or frustrated because they have bigger dreams for themselves or for their own children. It is important for a nanny to walk into a family and replicate the parents’ values and child-rearing philosophies as if they were her own, raising a child exactly as his parents would if they were home full-time. It is also impossible for parents to leave their children all day, five days a week, without trying to control or influence those hours in some way. The two sides perform a domestic dance as a working relationship evolves. Both sides compromise; both sides win and lose.

It was the nanny side of this dance that I wanted to show. I wanted to give nannies their say, to give them a chance to be perfectly honest about their feelings; as a result, parents could finally learn what happened when they closed their front doors, leaving their children in the care of paid strangers.

For most nannies, the ability to love is part of the job. And when her time is up with one family, a great nanny takes that love with her. She keeps pictures of her old charges on her refrigerator or continues to tell stories about them to friends or just pauses once in a while and sighs, remembering a moment they shared or a funny thing a child might have said. She puts her love in a box, stores it away, and labels it for that one specific child. Then she opens herself up again for the next child, for the next family. She starts the process of love and loss all over again.

Note to Self:

A simple life brings happiness. When you fill your life with noise, where will you find space for love, relationships, faith and God? Cherish the simple things in life. Put the rest back on the shelf.